Dear Kim,
I was raised that anger is wrong. Good people don’t get mad; you smile and let it go. So that’s what I try to do. Last month my brother borrowed my truck, brought it back with a dented tailgate, and never said a word. I told him it was fine. It was not fine. I’ve been lying awake ever since, having imaginary arguments with him at two in the morning, and then feeling ashamed of myself for being so worked up over a tailgate. I don’t want to be an angry person. But stuffing it down isn’t working either. What do I do with this?
Fine in the Daylight
Dear Fine,
First, let me take something off your shoulders. You’re not an angry person. You’re a person who’s angry, about one thing, with good reason. Those are different, and the house you grew up in taught you they were the same.
Let’s talk about anger in a way that might give a new picture of what it is. Anger is a broad-brush word painted over a lot of other feelings. Researcher John Gottman calls it the Anger Iceberg, and it’s worth looking up, because it’s a fun picture of something true. Anger is the tip we can see above the water. Underneath it sits everything actually driving it: hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, feeling disrespected, feeling taken for granted.
When you lie awake asking “Why am I so angry about a tailgate,” the answer is that you’re probably not. Look under your iceberg. My guess is you’ll find you felt disrespected, because he treated your truck carelessly, and taken for granted, because he didn’t think you were owed a word about it. Maybe hurt, too, because brothers are supposed to be more careful with each other than that.
And here’s why naming those feelings matters so much: each one points to what you need. If you feel disrespected, you need acknowledgement. If you feel taken for granted, you need to matter. If you feel hurt, you need an apology. “Angry” points at nothing except your brother, which is why it keeps you up at night without ever telling you what would let you sleep.
There’s one more reason to talk from under the iceberg. Anger is the one feeling other people don’t relate to. When it comes at us, we don’t get curious, we get defensive, and now there are two angry people and no conversation. But everything underneath it? We’ve all felt hurt. We’ve all been taken for granted. Those feelings are part of being human, and when someone names one honestly, we lean in instead of bracing. So instead of “I’m mad about the tailgate,” try: “Hey, the dent isn’t the thing, things happen. But it hurt that you didn’t say anything. I’d rather hear it from you.” Your brother can’t argue with that, because it’s not an accusation, it’s the truth, and it hands him exactly what he needs to make it right.
Will it feel strange? Terribly, the first time. You’re using muscles that were never allowed to develop. But you’ll have traded a feeling nobody relates to for one your brother can actually answer. And you’ll get your two in the morning back.
The anger was never the problem. It was just the tip of the iceberg.
Kim
Have a conversation you’ve been avoiding? Write to Kim at kim@bestconflictsolutions.com. Letters may be edited for length and privacy.
Kimberly Best, RN, MA, is a court-listed mediator in Missouri and Tennessee, a FINRA arbitrator, and founder of Best Conflict Solutions, LLC in St. Louis. She is the creator of the Best Conflict Conversation Cards. Letters are edited for length and privacy. Learn more at bestconflictsolutions.com.
