To begin, my brain is broken. I don’t know when it broke, but the VA says sometime between 1997 and 2001. I assume this to be true because before that I don’t remember these feelings.

Everyone has regrets. Our brains are wired to a vicious cycle of memory of every shitty thing we have ever said or did to another person, but this is different. This is rage, primal and without a known catalyst. The provocation could be anything. A client’s comment, a friend not being able to spend time with me. Hell a noise or a smell can trigger this.

I remember one day on the golf course with two dear friends. Just a beautiful day on Baker enjoying the sunshine. To protect the innocent (as if there were such a thing) I have changed the names.

I was in a cart with Maximus and our friend Augustus was in the cart behind me. Just us ancient Romans enjoying an afternoon of golf, which for us is more just wandering around randomly trying to find the sixth lost ball on the 3rd hole. Sometime later I may write a column on Zen and golf, but this was before I adopted that philosophy. I digress.

On this occasion Augustus was on the phone with his soon-to-be ex-wife, Persephone, just wilding out. Real Maury Povich stuff, you have seen the type. Maximus was getting annoyed, but I found myself feeling something else. An adrenaline spike, fight or flight, absolute blinding rage. Maximus saw this and instinctively got me the hell out of there. Max is a great friend. He knows of my struggles and is patient in ways that I probably don’t deserve at times. Maximus you are the best, btw.

Back to the story. I noticed my teeth clench, and my heart started beating like a hummingbird and my hands clenched into fists. My adrenaline was turned up to eleven or maybe even twelve surpassing even Spinal Tap’s highest gain. At that moment I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see, all I could feel was rage. Pure anger with no explanation. And then like a wave breaking on the shore it left me. In its place was exhaustion, and disgust at myself for lack of control.

Fight or flight is a funny concept. It simplifies a reaction to stimulus down to two, well actually three responses. The more modern idea is fight, flight, or freeze. But what it comes down to is that deep dark lizard brain reaction to fear inducing stimuli.

The term was coined by Neurologist and Physiologist Walter Brandford Cannon in the early 20th century, where you learned something. They examined people and made the sweeping generalization that there were two responses, either you instinctively run away, or instinctively turn and fight. This narrative is not inconsistent with the limitations of the time and the quantitative impossibility of classifying emotional human response.

If you must categorize my response it is one of fight; I run to the problem. I am cool under pressure, but not because I’m emotionally level, but because I am so angry that I cannot ignore the situation and must attack it. This has served me well in the military and in emergencies, but what do you do when it’s your buddy yelling at his wife? Even worse, what do you do when it is as simple a thing as hearing a noise?

For years I couldn’t find an alarm clock. I tried many times and found that the sound of the alarm would not wake me gradually. Instead, I would go from a dead sleep to 100% adrenaline in an instant. With that rage coursing through me like acid. I would fly out of bed ready to fight a perceived threat. Sometimes it would be a fire alarm I mistakenly thought I heard. Other times it was the perceived threat of an intruder. Every time within minutes the rage would subside and be replaced with disgust. Why am I like this?

Recently and to my displeasure the catalyst for this feeling has shifted from objective stimulus to harder to pin down causation. My volatility is unpredictable. It could be someone questioning my professional opinion. It could be just the presence of an annoying person. The catalyst is minor but the response is the same. Adrenaline spike followed by rage, then exhaustion and disgust.

When I say rage, don’t think violence. I am not a violent person, and neither are 99% of people with the same problems I suffer. Feeling this vicious anger and acting upon it are two different things and feeling this rage is no excuse for violent outburst. We are intellectual animals after all.

Our anger is borne from a primitive time when it served us in survival. Before we removed ourselves from the food chain, all encompassing rage served a great purpose. If your kid was having his left leg snacked upon by a saber-toothed tiger, rage probably was the correct response right. But we are learned now. But just because we can’t control our emotions, we can control our actions.

The most destructive effect of my rage is not damage to property. I’m no “Kyle” punching holes through drywall, monster energy drinks littering the room. Nor is it violence because I am not a damn animal. The destructive effect is damage to valued relationships. At times while in an agitated state, I have said things to people I love. Snarky, mean stuff, and things that I don’t even mean. I targeted Maximus with this once and felt terrible afterwards.

Luckily after a time he saw it for what it was, but there are others who just generally think I am an asshole. Think is not the right word, I should have said “know”, they know I’m an asshole. This has served me well at times professionally. I am not going to lie. I have developed an undeserved reputation as a bulldog. A tough lawyer who doesn’t take crap, when in reality when I am challenged, rage takes over and I respond in that mindset and often it serves me well. What does that say for the state of our legal system that lizard-brained neanderthal reactions are often just as successful as calm professional responses. But the American legal system being designed for sociopaths is the subject for another day.

I’m sure that you are aware of the concept of a feedback loop. PTSD is in essence a feedback loop. You react to unreasonable stimuli, rage builds, rage subsides and is replaced by disgust at oneself which creates regret. Then the feeling of regret builds up and the stimulus necessary to set off the machine once again becomes even easier to trigger and even less predictable. Over and over again. Until you strike out at someone. Say something horrible and that guilt rides you seemingly forever. Every quiet moment a voice in your head replaying what you said and how you hurt someone.

So, what’s the solution? I don’t have one and if I did, I would be a billionaire. I have developed some techniques to combat this with limited and varied results. To quiet the voices of regret in your head, my suggestion is to catch yourself in the loop of self-torment replaying the regret over and over again by saying this simple phrase “Gee, I was being an asshole that day”. You would be shocked how often that quiets the noise. This is my way of forgiving myself. Not justifying my actions or explaining my response. Not blaming the catalyst even if they deserve some blame but accepting that at times your responses are just you being terrible for no reason.

There is a quote from one of my favorite characters Rayland Givens, brought to life by actor Timothy Olyphant in the show Justified. “If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into an asshole all day, you’re the asshole.” (Sorry for all the expletives in this one Kewanee Voice Editors you should hear me conversationally!)

This is a good quote though. After hearing it, I put my own observations into perspective. If I find myself angry and blaming others, I think about this. Did I encounter someone horrible, and as a result my feelings are justified (pardon the pun)? Or am I the person that is behaving badly?

You would be surprised how many times it has been the latter. This perspective allows me to reset myself a bit. Stay away from people. Turn inwards and practice intentional quietude. Reset myself into the moment and meditate. This does not eliminate the rage, but it quiets it, and it prevents that beast from attacking others. I create a quiet reserved exterior that serves to quench the fire. If I can internalize the rage, I prevent the disgust, and I never have to feel the regret.

I have come to realize that there is no escape from this. This cycle is a part of me now and it is mine to control. It’s why I am successful. It’s also why I have lost friends.

Acceptance of this fact is also an important element of control. The best way to combat this unreasonable reaction is through silence and the Golden Rule. Do unto others…